When I was little I wanted to marry a Jonas Brother and now they’re all married to other women. But that was 10 years ago and who didn’t?! This morning, 10 years later, my good friend and mentor sent me a photo that said, “my future husband is out there praying I’m not dating anyone and God is answering him,” and I laughed because my God is just that funny and just that stupid good.
I’ve talked about it before, but 21 years and having never dated isn’t something you see or hear of every day. Or even every other day. Or maybe even at all.
Last semester I made a list of things I want to accomplish: run a half-marathon before I graduate college, publish a book, and speak fearlessly at an open mic. Then I read a book by an inspiring woman named Gelly May (Girlish Vigor, go and buy it - I promise it will change your life), and I wrote a list of who I want to be: a hard worker, a writer, a runner, and I want to be kind. And recently, God has asked me to write a list of who I want to be and what I want to do before He presents the man I will marry. And I have refused. I refuse because I am 21 and who am I to know what I am supposed to accomplish before the rest of my life changes drastically? I refuse because I am human and how am I supposed to know what it looks like to be a woman ready to pursue a Godly relationship? I refuse because I am female and I have messed up friendships and lost others when I allowed my emotions to grow bigger than God.
I fear if I were to set out to be who I want to be, to do the things I’m meant to do, God would keep up His end of the bargain. And I fear that His gift wouldn’t be the someone I would choose for myself. They would be better. They would be more Godly. They would be more courageous. They would play guitar, sing, and want six kids. They would push me to be even better than the kind of man I think I want would be able to push me to be. From a place of experience and faith, I know if God gives me what I need rather than what I want, I am in turn going to be better. More able to bring Him glory. More equipped to carry out my calling. More than I ever wished I could be. And that’s scary. It’s scary because my life is messy, and I don’t think I’m ready to bring someone else into that mess yet. Which is super contrary to what my heart usually says, that if someone were to come into my life (or become more), life itself would become more simple with another by my side.
Which is why I wanted to marry a Jonas Brother. Which is why my boss got the text describing the cute customer that was supposed to go to my roommate. Which is why friendship with a human of the opposite sex is stupid hard. Which is why friendship can get confused for feelings and why I am still figuring that out.
And here’s the thing - this list God is asking me to write will enable me to be the person who is ready to be a better version of herself. Who is ready to meet the man who will carry her further than she ever wanted to go. Who is ready to spend life with the one with whom she will vow, “past death we will not part.”
It’s wedding season, I almost cried as my friend got married yesterday, and I used to want to marry a Jonas Brother. Now I’m ready to start becoming the woman who will meet the man who will empower her to go share Jesus with the Jonas Brothers.
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