January

For Christmas my parents gifted me a chronological bible. I had wanted this version of scripture for some time, but decided to wait for the new year to begin. Mind blowing as it may be, an entire month has passed since I started this reading challenge and, lagging only a couple of days behind, I’m not sure I’ve ever been this consistent in the word. The evening before starting I spent New Year’s Eve with two old friends, watching The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, drinking champagne, and discussing the references to Revelation in the film. Since then I’ve joined our campus Cru staff team, learned what real sleep is like, traveled to Philadelphia for a week long service trip, doubted God’s goodness and provision, wrote out my goals, went to Columbus a couple times with good friends, and learned what it is to worship and trust God even when I can’t see or hear Him.

Cru staff. Wow. Funny. I came to BGSU two and a half years ago and with academia came Cru, the college ministry I decided to devote most of my free time to. However, even though I made this decision early on, I claimed as a freshman that I could never see myself as Cru staff. God is funny, friends. As I began considering taking a break from school last semester I also thought through what this transition would mean for my leadership within Cru. Something I’ve been learning over the last couple of years is that when you even crack open a door, God will push it the rest of the way open. I clearly remember sitting at a table in our student union with my staff group leader and saying, “Jenni, I really really don’t want to join Cru staff, but I have this crazy weird feeling that God wants me to,” which was followed by lots of laughing because I’ve truly never sounded funnier to myself. Jenni, while subtly pushing me to join staff, encouraged me to pray, consider, and discern over the next couple of months. So I did and the answer seemed clear. God was asking me to step into a role I never wanted, never felt qualified for, and didn’t even know how to approach. Two weeks ago I went to my first Cru staff meeting and was asked to say a bit about myself. As I considered my journey of leaving school and deciding that building God’s Kingdom was the only thing I want to do, the only thing on my mind was “holy cow, I am so out of my league but still in my lane,” a coined phrase by a dear friend. Out of my league, still in my lane: entirely uncomfortable, but, in my element; the leg shaking, high embarrassment risk zone, ready to vomit while running away space, where we grow and bless the world around us. Thanks Jackie. Now, three weeks after this first meeting, I’m still entirely out of my league with truly no clue what I’m doing, but I’m totally confident this is where God has me. We had our first weekly Cru meeting this past Thursday and the amount of support I received from friends and students was completely mind-blowing. I am who He says I am and I’m doing what He asked me to do.

In the midst of jumping into this new season and new challenge I have also learned what real sleep is, and subsequently lost the rhythm I was able to fall into for about a week. A while ago my co-worker had mentioned how her friend consistently went to bed around 10pm every night, getting up at 6am every morning. She explained how our brain functions the best in the early morning and how an early rise can kick start our day and so I gave it a go. I’ve actually never been very good at sleeping and didn’t even realize how abnormal it is to wake up multiple times a night until my brother informed me he sleeps straight through till morning. Since coming to this realization I’ve tried everything from melatonin, to reading until I fall asleep, to a glass of wine before bed. Let me tell you friends, the only way to live is going to bed early. I may be ostracized, made fun of, and miss out on some movie or game nights, but I wake up refreshed and more ready to take on the day. And I don’t wake up during the night as much! Praise the LORD.

Then I traveled to Philadelphia for a week with Cru and, as you could imagine, entirely lost this rhythm of good sleep. While I haven’t gotten back into it yet, and actually have slept through my alarm twice this week, this trip was exactly where I was supposed to be that week. I’m beginning to sense a pattern here… so please hang around as I explain. Remember when I said this month held doubt in God’s goodness and provision, only to resolve in learning to worship through the unknown? As cliche and potentially unbelievable as it sounds, this service trip was the turning point from a space of doubt to a space of trust. I’ll be the first to say I’m in the midst of an extremely transitional period at the moment, and this fact became more evident and slightly scary as time passed by. At the peak of this realization I found something, or someone, who I allowed myself to believe could be a constant and steadfast rock in the midst of this whirlwind of change. However, as the month went on this almost constant came to be no more and I felt as if a rug had been pulled out from under me. I felt as if God had placed something sure in my life only for it to be taken away and feel lost in the evolution of change once again. I was spinning in a black hole with no end in sight. I was searching for God with no sense of direction. It was so hard. And what made it harder was that it was over a singular person. I try my very best not to allow people to affect me in a negative way, and to feel so off track almost felt like a personal failure. I remember calling my best friend, only a few weeks ago, and telling her I didn’t think I’d ever doubted God so much. I hated the words the second they came out and they tasted terrible in my mouth, worse than if I’d told my best friend I hated her. I knew I didn’t mean what I said but I was just so angry and felt as if I had to make it known. And then I went to Philly, doubting God’s provision, questioning what I was doing with the rest of my life that I had decided to devote to ministry, and truly not even wanting to be on the trip. I was tired. And not, I woke up 15 times last night and got up at 6am tired, but I made a decision for Jesus six years ago and feel like I haven’t learned how to rest yet tired.

I actually cried to a friend I’ve had since freshman year at BG our first night there, expressing my fears, doubts, and concerns. She lamented, comforted, and reassured me that everything is worked out in God’s timing and for His good, even if it seems dark and lonely at the moment. So I spent a week in Philly serving the community, students, and the homeless. I shared with people who were so open to the gospel and yet had never heard it’s beautiful truth to the fullest. I listened to people who had no other home other than the sidewalk in 20 degree weather, and no other meal other than the one we had given them. I spoke with a man who recognized and spoke so boldly of God’s goodness, regardless of his living situation and struggles with addiction. If the people I met this week could so clearly see God’s goodness, I knew I could do the same from my warm, dry bed. Still, knowing and accepting something is a different area of expertise. I have known for 21 years that God is good, yet I struggle at times to fully understand and accept this freedom in my life. Sharing all the changes which had been happening over the last six months with a new friend in Philly I said, or the Spirit really said, “my fear comes from myself and not the place God has for me,” meaning any doubt and reservations I’d been feeling didn’t come from anything God had done or failed to do. God never fails, but we are fallen and we do fail on occasion. Or every day. The same night

I cried to my friend I went at it with God. I literally took to my journal and wrote “I don’t even know God” and, “I just want to know how to be filled up because I’m currently pouring out of an empty cup and I know it and I’m sick of being tired,” remembering Jacob who struggled and literally fought with God, yet still lived. I knew it was better to be upfront and honest with God about how I was feeling, leading to a better understanding of His character and role in my own life.

As I sat wrestling with God I heard Him speak so clearly for the second time ever in my life, and He confronted my fears in the most gentle, straightforward way.

He affirmed my feelings as legitimate by reminding me that I had lived in the same way for over 21 years: working towards a future career, taking tests, and working towards good grades. He pointed out how different my life was going to be since making this change. He told me He thought it was beautiful I was deciding to put my relationship with Him and building His Kingdom above all else. God is really cool and won’t let us down, no matter how many times we may let Him down. I find that mind blowing.

In the midst of these moments of doubt and new faith my dear friend, and new roommate, took me along on a trip to Columbus for a Wednesday night church service, plenty of coffee, and some incredible tacos and margaritas. This trip, though only a day long, was a leap of faith in itself. The weeks leading up to this one day were stressful and full of high tension I didn’t want to leak into this time I was given to spend with this friend. I’m not a very quiet person but this car ride was quiet, and I was grateful for a friend who let me simply sit while I took some time to figure myself out. While in the city we got to sit and do our own quiet bible study across from one another, taking time to be with the Lord in the midst of a busy coffee shop. We went to a midweek service, worshiping the same God together, and declaring His victory over our lives and situations. Singing Way Maker this Wednesday evening reminded me I never have to go it alone as I lifted up hands and war cries in defense against the enemy and his lies. This friend will never let me walk alone and neither will God, two of the most incredible realizations one could ever know.

Finally, to finish off this hurricane of a month, I took time to sit with God and with myself and be honest with the both of us about my dreams. My dad has always encouraged my brother and I to write down our goals, as a dream written out is more likely to come to pass. I took the time, praying through the possibilities, and came up with many long and short term goals, simultaneously deciding that putting limits on God was nothing but foolish. 2020 seems like a big year, for many people I know, and so some things I’ve decided to work on and challenge myself to in this new decade are: finishing the 38 books I’ve collected over the last few years, reading the entire bible chronologically, stretching every day for loose and healthy muscles, and saving money to start paying off loans and for whatever is to come next. As I said, I recognize I serve a big God and to not even ask for the big things seems truly foolish. And so, some long term goals I wrote down include: meeting and/or interview stupid famous people such as Twenty One Pilots and the Jonas Brothers, pay off my student loans in ten years, serve in Haiti, and publish a book.

January seemed to go by quicker than most this year, yet the month seems impossibly long on paper. I’m so grateful if you decided to stick around this long and hope you’ll continue to hang out as these wild months keep on coming!