In June the newest Jonas Brothers studio album, Happiness Begins, was on non stop rotation in my mom van and it made the summer complete. Sometime, in the month before, I sat down with my roommate while she was babysitting and the kids were sleeping, right after I had received the news that I’d gotten the job I’d been wanting for months. I had dyed my hair pink, embraced my new septum ring, and was reviewing my class schedule for the following semester. I sat in a big leather chair and my roommate proclaimed, “next thing I know you’re going to be dropping out of school,” and my response, “there’s no way in hell.”
And at the time I thought I had meant it, I promise. I was happy in the place I was; working on an English degree, starting a new job, babysitting the cutest kids, and looking forward to meeting the people who’d be coming to Bowling Green within the following months. And then I started pouring lattes, reading books for fun, and branching out in my faith. I started singing on my church’s worship team, working out some friendships that needed to be worked out, spending my free time writing and dreaming. I dreamt of the things I could finally start on once I finished my degree in two years. I told one of my new coworkers about my roommate’s prediction that I’d be dropping out, seeing as he’d done the same, and he said “don’t do it,” which I took to heart, though her words echoed still in the back of my mind.
In September I came to the conclusion that I didn't hate Taylor Swift’s new album, Lover, but am, in fact, obsessed with it. “I Forgot That You Existed” - the breakup must have. “Lover” - a first dance kinda bop. “You Need to Calm Down” - an anthem. This cotton candy colored CD replaced the most loved Jonas Brothers as the semester hit full swing. My friends and I continued to host weekly worship nights, I read most of most of my books for class, and I learned how to pour a sufficient tulip. The thought of taking a break from school began to plague my mind as the worship nights and latte pouring gained importance and the books were never finished.
I can look back on a couple of crucial moments in the decision I made this past semester to leave school. One being my roommate holding such confident in my leaving, another when I sat in class the first day of the semester and sincerely said to myself, “I don’t want to be here,” finally culminating in a day of multiple cries and calling my dad to say I wasn’t sure I wanted to go to school next semester. Hanging up on a phone call which held absolutely nothing but love and support, I began to consider what this life change would actually mean.
I started listening to A LOT of worship music. UPPERROOM church released Moments: Design 004 and “Celebrate the Lord” was the song that I needed. Meeting with friends and mentors, seeking Godly wisdom, and worshiping God through every single minute. Holding confidence, even now, that if I hadn’t done so I wouldn’t have allowed Him room to bring me to this moment and this change. Even then, lots of questioning and doubt went into this process and getting here was no simple task. Supported by praises, I had to consider what my life would look like if I continued on a path I knew would never actually be fulfilled. I have a passion for reading and I have a passion for God’s family here on this side of heaven. Last year I listened to Sarah Juers and learned that I can both lead worship and read great literature. This year I built on this and decided to take a leap of faith and say that the Kingdom was worth more of my time.
Now I’ve finished finals and it hasn’t actually hit me yet that I will not be returning to BGSU as a student in six weeks. I’m listening to Kanye’s Jesus is King because “God Is” is straight gospel. I’m not entirely certain of what the next few years hold or exactly where God is leading me, yet I feel that’s on purpose. I think if I knew where I was going and what I was going to do, holding total confidence in where I’d be living or how much money I’d be making in five years, I would lose the faith that has brought me here. I know for a fact these years will include worship, kingdom building, and being pushed entirely out of my comfort zone. I also have known for the last two years that something didn’t feel entirely right and when I called my mentor to tell her of my future plans she said “oh, I know.”
Right now I sit in my parent’s living room, watching Jonas Brothers: The Concert Experience, circa 2009, forever thankful for Disney+. My plans are unsure other than following what God has, and I’m okay with that. I’m writing some music with some friends and drinking all the coffee. I’m organizing events to bring together people you wouldn’t normally see come together and building new, unexpected friendships. I’m living for the Kingdom and I don’t want to take a single moment for granted. I’m grateful for God and music and coffee. But God.
Comments