When you’re five years old you’re asked what you want to be when you grow up. After a mere five years of life experience you’re expected to answer a question that will begin to determine the rest of your life. WHAT?!? I am merely trying to convey the absurdity of childhood that has gotten us all, in some way or another, to where we are today. This then turns into the prepubescent years of middle school, which lead to the basketball games, dances, and first dates of high school. These final four years of unrealized ease eventually turn into college, where you are once again asked what you want to be when you grow up. This time though you are not five and are fully expected to give an actual answer. However, sometimes you just don’t know. Believe me when I say I understand this challenge, as after a whole year of beginning to actually study what I think I would like to do with the rest of my life, I still find myself doubting the answer at least three times a week. I have doubted the answer so much this semester that I have seriously questioned my major and future career, considering dropping everything and starting over. And while starting over isn’t necessarily a bad thing (even for an impatient control freak like myself), I had no idea what I would realistically do with my life.
PAUSE.
This is the moment in a movie when the scene on the screen would freeze, and the main character would narrate, explaining what had led to that exact moment. This is that moment. I started writing this post in early November of 2018. That's right, last year. But life can get stressful. Being myself I got distracted and procrastinated opening the already half typed page that mocked me every time I would open my laptop. I would push it to the side to finish an assignment, have a conversation with a friend, or even just escape to Netflix for forty minutes.
Even then, this was the year I realized how much I actually have going on and how insane I was to take it all on at the same moment that I realized I didn't even have time to sit down and watch a twenty minute episode of my favorite show. Even now, as I made my second cup of coffee for the day and sat down for just twenty minutes to finally punch this post out and check it off my to-do list, the thirty-one other things I could be doing are running through my head, almost succeeding once again in pulling me away. Right now I could be making my lunch, reading the bible, practicing the ukulele I haven't even looked at in over three weeks, or writing the paper that will now be pushed off to be completed very late in this evening. As I consider the alternative things I could (and probably should) be doing my mind also wanders to how these few precious free minutes will impact my tomorrow.
When I get up at five-thirty AM to workout with a wonderful friend who is so willing to keep me accountable, my body will groan as I make my bed after the potential full five hours of sleep I may get tonight. As I consider going out with friends for food tomorrow night at ten-thirty after our campus ministry time I will think about the seventeen hours I've already been awake. And as I go to work on Friday I will think about all the assignments I still have to do that I could be getting a head start on right now.
RESUME.
Back to the story, unfreezing the scene, because right now as I push off all my adult responsibilities, I am doing exactly what early November Emma wanted to be doing but didn't have the courage to do. Since I started this post, I have changed my major, felt major peace, started attending a new church that pushes me to be the best Jesus follower I can be in this lifetime, started learning ukulele, and have drank all the coffee. That last one isn't that big of a deal and it definitely won't be a surprise to anyone who knows me, but I thought it was worth mentioning. Early November Emma sat down one day to consider all the things she would do if she wasn't on the path of becoming a high school English teacher. She wondered what would happen if she wasn't spending time in classes she didn't enjoy that she felt were a waste of time. She considered what might be if she had more free time to read and write – the two things in life that give her the most of joy, right after that aforementioned coffee. Early February Emma is taking the steps to do the things in life she truly wants to. Sitting down in the morning to spend time in the Word of God, setting up her heart posture for the rest of the day. Working out and moving towards a healthier place, both physically and mentally. Not knowing what she's going to do with the rest of her life, but finding joy and excitement in the unknown rather than dread, because the right now is all that matters for right now.
And in case you were wondering, right now I am currently taking four literature classes, happy to be reading more than I have in my life, and ecstatic about the two feet tall pile of books for the semester on my desk. I'm taking steps towards setting myself up for the life of reading and writing I would love to live, and I'm taking these short twenty minutes to further myself on that journey.
Edited by Nick Biere
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